Hi friends,
This summer, I nearly ran out of time to complete a certification because I kept putting off one simple task: asking people to be my practice coaching clients.
I’d known for months that I needed to submit video recordings, and I had piles of past clients I could ask, along with friends who would gladly help. And yet, every week, I moved that task to “next week.”
I teach people how to have difficult conversations as part of my day job. The irony is not lost on me.
What was I afraid of? Being ignored, being forgotten, or having someone see my message and think I was trying to sell them something.
I was also a bit scared of submitting the recordings and being judged, of being told I wasn’t demonstrating what I’d learned as well as the certifiers expected. I was scared of showing that I wasn’t already competent at a brand-new skill.
It was rejection, the subtle kind. And it hit me: for all the training I’ve had in my career, I was weak in one skill - handling rejection.
I started my career as an engineer, but I call myself the queen of career change. Before long, I was in management consulting, working alongside sales organizations, and I loved it.
I love thoughtful business processes, but I also love people and the complexity of relationships, trust, and negotiations, especially the parts that refuse to fit neatly into a process map.
I spent a good ten years implementing business-to-business sales processes and training professionals in sales and negotiations. My approach was rooted in finding win-win outcomes. I believed that if people saw selling as a way to help someone, it would take the fear out of selling and put some joy back in.
My summer homework exposed a gap in my own skill set. Maybe I was better at handling rejection when I was younger, but with time and more seniority, I think I’ve had fewer occasions to practice being rejected. Maybe I’ve found ways to avoid asking for things and skip over rejection altogether. As I’ve gotten further away from it, that muscle has gotten weaker.
So now I’m pushing for rejection training for everyone!
I want us to learn how to survive it, love it, and lead through it. Instead of letting the possibility of rejection drive our decisions and actions, what if we made collecting rejections part of the practice?
Here’s where I’d start:
Identify the ask and the potential win for both parties.
It’s always easier to reach out when you believe both parties could benefit and feel deeply aligned with your intent. For me, this is always the starting point. I can’t pass go without figuring it out.
Make the ask and count that as a win.
If you only give yourself credit when someone says yes, you’re putting your success entirely in someone else’s hands. You asked for the meeting, offered to help, or put your idea forward. Give yourself some credit for that before the answer comes back.
Catch the meaning you’re adding.
Someone doesn’t answer my message, and suddenly I’m imagining what they think of me. Meanwhile, I have unanswered messages from people I like sitting in my own inbox.
“They haven’t replied” is all I actually know. I can follow up without writing an entire rejection story on their behalf.
Practice hearing no on small things.
Ask for help, invite someone for coffee, request an introduction, or suggest something you want.
Remember that you’re extending an invitation, not issuing a requirement. Give yourself credit for giving others room to answer honestly. You offered, and they decided; their answer reflects their choice, not your character or value in the world.
Find something to appreciate about the no.
This is the part I want to get better at. A clear no can save weeks of wondering, help you find a better fit, or give you useful feedback.
And sometimes, it simply means you finally did the thing you’d been avoiding. There’s something to celebrate in that.
Keep asking and respect the answer.
I don’t mean keep asking the same person until you wear them down. I mean don’t let one person’s no become the reason you stop reaching out altogether. There are other clients, other opportunities, and other people who might be delighted you asked.
I had a great coach years ago who used to say, “Do you want what you want badly enough that you’re willing to collect 999 no’s to get a yes?”
Collecting no’s is proof that you’re putting yourself on the path to a yes.
Is there a conversation, decision, or big ask you’ve been putting off? Sometimes it helps to have someone in your corner to think it through with. If that sounds useful, I’d love to connect.