Many years ago, I was in a really good relationship.
He was kind, thoughtful, emotionally, and professional stable. He was the kind of partner many people would consider a catch.
But inside I was struggling.
He had children from his first marriage, which was accompanied by a “been there, done that” attitude whenever the topic of kids came up.
Meanwhile, although I had never been completely certain that I wanted kids, over time the desire had grown stronger. I was beginning to realize that becoming a parent might be one of the most important life goals for me.
Our differing views and feelings on this important subject created a tension neither of us could easily solve.
We spent hours hashing it out in long conversations filled with tears and questions about the future.
As time went on, I noticed something happening inside of me.
I started picking out other faults in him.
Little things like personality quirks, habits that annoyed me, or character ‘flaws’ suddenly felt much bigger than they had before. And I kept focusing on them.
At the time, I told myself I was just being honest and looking at the relationship clearly.
This went on for months. In my attempt to solve an emotional equation that never quite balanced, I created unnecessary drama and anxiety for both of us.
Finally, one day I called my coach.
I told her I needed her help to make a very difficult decision once and for all.
During that conversation I laid everything on the table: the pros, the cons, the future, the children question, and all the personality flaws I had started noticing.
After what felt like dumping my entire soul on the table, she paused and then said something very simple.
“You don’t need to make him wrong in order for leaving to be right for you.”
Oof…mic drop. It was one of the most powerful insights I’ve ever received.
Somewhere along the way, my lack of clarity about what I truly wanted in life had caused me to twist the relationship into a puzzle of problems, hoping eventually the pieces would fit and the answer would become obvious.
The real issue was that what I wanted had evolved.
Fast forward to this week and I’m coaching a leader who begins our conversation by listing the fifteen things his boss is doing wrong.
He used to think she was great. But now he’s noticing the little things like her ‘annoying’ habits, and the leadership quirks that only become visible when you’ve worked with someone for so many years.
He has a lot to say.
Eventually I ask him a simple question: “What do you actually want?”
He answers quickly with: “I want my boss to be better.”
So, I ask again: “Let’s set her faults aside. What do you really want…for you?”
He pauses for a full minute to think and finally he says: “I want change. I think I’m ready for something new. I think I’ve outgrown this role, and maybe this leader.”
And suddenly the whole conversation becomes clear.
Maybe the habits and leadership quirks of his boss are not the real issue.
Maybe he’s simply ready for the next chapter of his career.
Maybe he’s grown and his career goals have evolved.
And maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t need to make his boss wrong for taking the next step to be right.